Impossible Dreams

New Year's Day, 2014, I was in Ukraine celebrating with dear friends at the HfO house during a few days lapse in between camps. We decided to write down our dreams for the new year and seal them up in tiny jars to be opened next year. I heard the scratch of everyone else's pens as they wrote their dreams, but my pen simply rested against the piece of red construction paper I held in my hands. I had nothing to write. There were the usual resolutions I could put down- go skydiving, study Russian, write more poems, read the Bible every day... but these were practical things I could accomplish, not a vision or hope I had for the future.
Life had taught me dreaming of the future could be dangerous. The future could disappoint and hurt me, so what's the point of dreaming at all? I had rationalized the safest way to live meant having no expectations, simply taking whatever came and accepting it as the Lord's will. Sitting on a kitchen chair in the HfO living room that night, I realized how sad it was that I allowed fear and pain to stop me from dreaming. After a few more minutes of having no idea what to write, I wrote down the only honest thing I could, "Lord, give me dreams again." We all sealed our jars without sharing what we had written and sang a few worship songs together.
As the party dwindled and people began to leave, a new friend of mine, who had no idea what I had just asked the Lord, turned to me, looked me in the eyes and said, "my sister, my wish for you is to dream impossible things." And then he turned away and left.

Two and a half years later, my impossible dream is coming true- I am moving to Ukraine.

I am buying a one-way ticket and will stay as long as the Lord leads, serving with the Hope for Orphans team and teaching English to kids who have aged out of their orphanage and are trying to get into trade school or university. There are currently 3 boys living at the Hope for Orphans House, Sergei, Edik, and Jenya; but the team hopes to add more boys and girls to the program soon. I am committing to at least one year serving with Hope for Orphans, but anticipate staying 3-5 years, or as long as the Lord leads. My passion is for Ukraine and serving teens who live in chronic trauma, and I am excited to discover more extensively how God will use the passion He has given me as I become more familiar with the language and culture of Ukraine and the Hope for Orphans team.

I would love for you to be a part of this journey with me. If you would like to receive monthly (or more realistically, every-now-and-then-ly) email updates with stories and prayer requests, please email me at abigail.d.mills@gmail.com and I will add you to my support team.

The support and encouragement I have received leading up to this next step in this journey humbles me. I could not be ready to make this next step without the financial, spiritual, and emotional support my friends and family have generously poured out. If you would like to continue this journey with me, there are several ways you can do so:

• Stop by my moving sale on September 17th at my parents' house in Altamonte Springs! Call/text/email me for directions.

• You can support me financially through a one time donation or on a monthly basis by following the link: Send Abi to Ukraine, or by clicking the "Donate" button in the right-hand column of my blog homepage. If you don't have a PayPal account, or feel more comfortable sending a check, you can mail a check to me with Ukraine in the memo at my parents' address (please email me and I will send you the address).

I am fundraising on my own, so unfortunately donations to me are not tax deductible. All cash, check, and online donations will go into my PayPal account, and I will gladly share my monthly budget with anyone interested in seeing it. To insure integrity, I have a team of 3 people who have access to my spending and have promised to keep me accountable.

It looks like my living expenses will be under $1,000 a month, so I aim to raise $12,000 before I leave. After the first 2 months, I will reassess if these are reasonable estimates and let you know if/when I make any adjustments.

Please pray for me. I am hopelessly inadequate to be a full time missionary in Ukraine, but when my inadequacies threaten to overwhelm me, I remember none of them are a surprise to God and He does not call me to walk in a way that He has not already prepared before me. The list could go on and on, but here are some things close to my heart I would love prayer for:

• My family. They are incredibly supportive of my decision and rejoice that I will be serving the Lord in my heart country, but it will be hard for us to be so far away from each other. Please pray for their wellbeing and that I trust the Lord with their lives.

• Political unrest in Ukraine. Tension is building as Russia and separatists continue fighting in Eastern Ukraine. Please pray for peace and protection of those made more vulnerable by the economy, having to flee their their homes, and losing loved ones to the fighting.

• Hope for Orphans. This team is growing and maturing in beautiful ways. Please pray for the expansion of orphan ministry, for team unity, and for the resources needed to sustain the work the Lord is calling this team to. Please also pray for Sergei, Edik, and Jenya as they are the first kids to move to the HFO house.

• Me. As you probably know, I am a very independent person and living in complete dependence on financial support, living in a country where I am dependent on my friends to navigate the culture and the language, and teaching English for the first time... yeah, I'm going to wrestle with feeling completely inept and dependent, and my pride won't like it one bit. Please pray I see the beauty in the journey, that I trust God, and that I rejoice in the ways He will carry out His will.

Thank you. Thanks for reading this far down the post :), and for being a part of this crazy wonderful story with me.

Summer 2014

I was able to squeeze in a quick week trip to Ukraine this summer to spend two days in Kyiv with some orphans from Krivvoy Rog and 3 days in a gypsy village in the Carpathian mountains.

Some of the orphans were boys I met back in December, so it was encouraging getting to reestablish those relationships and prove I had not forgotten them. But this time around, I was the only native English speaker, and Denise was not there to translate for me. Talking with the boys was therefore difficult, and I spent many hours silently sitting with them at the HFO house or walking around Kyiv with them. I wrestled with discouragement in that silence, afraid that I wasn't being useful, that I had nothing to contribute, that I was only going to burden the HFO team, and that this trip was a waste of time and resources. At the end of the first day with the boys, I let discouragement get the upper hand. We had spent most of the day touring Kyiv in the hot sunshine.  I was tired and thirsty, my feet were sore and blistered, and all of my Russian vocabulary and arsenal of funny faces were exhausted. Sitting at the dining table with a glass of water in my hand, I started flipping through the photos on my phone of Maidan and scenes around Kyiv. Vova, a 14 yr old with freckles, pulled up a chair next to mine and asked if he could see my phone. I let him, and in moments he had pulled up Youtube and started showing me Ukrainian rap music videos.  This is so pointless, I thought to myself. At the moment I was about to get up and leave, a sudden thought cautioned me, he is trying to share his life with you, and this is the only way he knows how. Don't miss this. We couldn't communicate verbally, but we could connect, in such a small way, by watching these videos because Vova liked them. It's humbling, but it matters. Time with a kid is never wasted.

Later I found a different boy, also named Vova (but 16 and blonde) hiding behind a bedroom door. He was crying. He didn't speak any English, so all I could do was hug him and repeatedly ask, "What? What?" Finally, he managed to explain to me that he had such a "big time" at the HFO house and he didn't want to leave. We hadn't done anything special during those two days -- we ate meals together, went on walks, cleaned together, -- but we acted like a family, something orphans are so starved for that just a taste of it was enough to make a 16 year old Ukrainian boy hardened by orphanage life break down and cry. This is what I love about serving with HFO. It is the most wonderful and beautiful thing to see dead-eyed, hardened, apathetic kids melt and come to life through love and kindness.

The boys returned to Krivvoy Rog the next day, and the HFO team and I went to visit a gypsy village. After driving through the night, we arrived to a clump of cement and wood huts, surrounded by dozens of dirty children. One of the girls, who looked about 13, was pregnant. I later found out this was normal in the gypsy community, and met an 11 year old girl who told us about her upcoming wedding, which would be that weekend. We painted the girls' nails and played soccer with the boys. It felt wrong painting filthy, crusty fingernails.

Since the gypsies spoke Hungarian or Ukrainian, my handful of Russian phrases were of no use. Not having a language, however, gave me the opportunity to intently observe these people as we made cotton candy for the kids, handed out donated clothes, sat and had tea with head families, and made dinner for the community. These gypsies live handout by handout. They don't make plans for the future (partially because that is not a luxury they can often afford). They live outside the authority and protection of the law, so they make their own rules and defenses. The largest, most powerful family is in control, so procreation starts young. They are treated by outsiders as a inferior community, and they act like one.

One our last night, the HFO team let me share my testimony as we sat around a fire, eating rice with some of the adults. I tried to tell them how valuable they are as images of God, how we are all equally valuable, and how I have come to know that meaning and value are found in Christ alone.

It was a joy and privilege to spend even such a short short week in my heart country.

Winter Camp 2014

After sharing about my experiences in Ukraine at my church here in England,someone decided to go with me!  Duncan accompanied me for the first orphan camp, and he is eager to bring a team from the UK to volunteer with HFO in the future.

English Master Class

As the only native English-speaking members of the HFO team, Duncan and I were incredibly blessed to speak with quite a few kids who could communicate rather well in English and were eager to learn more.  We taught an English master class in the afternoons, which helped us bond with the kids and (hopefully) encouraged them in their English studies.  We picked up a few Russian phrases as well!

The boy most eager to practice English, especially slang phrases, was Denise, who was also in my small group.

Denise was 15.  He was brought to the orphanage by his mom when he was 7, and vividly remembers the fear, pain, and rejection he experienced his first night in the orphanage.  He doesn't have siblings, but wishes he did and asked me loads of questions about mine- like if my brothers protected me even though I was the oldest.

I've never met an orphan so eager to engage in conversation.  Usually, it takes a few days for the kids to warm up to us and trust that we really are there because we care about them and want to get to know them.  From day one, Denise asked me loads of questions and constantly checked to make sure his English was correct.  "Tell me a story from your life," he would often ask me, and he was always by my side during Bible lessons and our evening program to translate as much as he could for me.

Talking with Denise gave me deeper, more sobering insight into the hopelessness of daily life in an orphanage, but I am so thankful for the opportunity to stay in contact with him and experience a sliver of God's heart for him.  He believes in God, but carries much anger and bitterness he is not yet willing to release to Jesus.  Please pray God breathes new life into Denise; that Denise would know the immeasurable riches available to him in Christ and the steadfast hope of the Gospel.

After the first camp was over, Duncan returned to England and I spent a few days in Kyiv with the HFO team.  I love these people.  They have taught me so much about faith, service, love, and the heart of God.  I am deeply grateful for each moment I spend with them!

                     

The first camp team

Ice skating! 

About to see the Nutcracker ballet at the opera house

For the second camp, we were joined by a fabulous American team from Northland.  It was such a joy being re-united with old friends, meeting new ones, and simply being around fellow Americans (though the Ukrainian team adopted me as an official member of the Ukrainian team, which was fine by me!)

We went to Gordenya for the second camp, which marked the first time I have ever returned to the same orphanage for camp.  Even though it was two years ago, I reconnected with kids I had met before, and they remembered me!

Kolya in 2012 and 2014!

There was also a girl at camp named Nastia who I had met two years ago. It was amazing to witness how she has grown and changed and her heart has softened.  Two years ago, Nastia was very violent, angry, and hard to communicate with, but by the end of camp, she met Jesus, and she is truly changed.

Nastia's mother was imprisoned 13 years ago after killing someone who was attacking a pregnant woman.  Nastia's prayer for the past three years has been that she would be reunited with her mom, and now, Nastia just found out her mother is being released from prison early, and wants to have Nastya back by the summer. Nastya was thrilled by the news, but also afraid.  She said she would miss being at camp with HFO in the summer, and hugged each team member every time she saw one of us. I'm not sure if life will be better for her with her mom, but I'm encouraged by the girl she has become over the years, and I believe the love of Christ she has been shown by HfO will go with her and be an example to her mom. 

God is truly using HFO to change kids lives, and I am blessed and grateful to participate!  I hope to continue sharing stories like this with you for years to come.  Thank you for making my time in Ukraine this winter possible!

Hope is spreading to Siberia!

But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. – Psalm 10:14

                       

I cannot fully express to you how beautiful this verse has become to me.  God is breaking my heart for what breaks His through the mission trips to Ukraine I’ve taken part in, and I hope I never recover from the wound until the day the Lord completes His story of restoration and indeed makes all things new (Rev. 21).

Restoration starts now.  God has given me the incredible privilege to join once again with Northland Church and Hope for Orphans, this time through an orphan camp in Omsk, Russia (in the province of Siberia!).  Partnering alongside a local church in Omsk, we will share Bible stories, play various games and sports, perform skits, teach crafts; and be a source of love, hope, and joy for orphans who desperately need to experience the fullness of Jesus.  Many of these children are street kids – abandoned by their parents, literally orphaned, or run-aways escaping abusive homes.  Most of them end up in crime or prostitution because they are completely vulnerable without anyone to care for or defend them.  Orphans are culturally viewed as “someone else’s problem.”

But the Lord doesn’t view them that way; He sees His precious children created in the dignity and value of His image, and Hope for Orphans seeks to reveal this Truth in word and deed.  I fully believe in the restoration God is bringing through the ministry of HfO.  I’m honored to be a part of a small team who volunteer our time to help HfO develop a new website and find the resources HfO needs in order to develop a trade school and transition home where orphans can escape the cycle of abuse, neglect, and abandonment.  As amazing as HfO’s orphan camps are, there is so much more to come!

I leave for orphan camp in Omsk on July 8^th and will return July 20^th.  This is something I cannot possibly do alone.  Would you consider supporting me financially and through prayer?  The visas required in order to travel to Russia are expensive, and the trip will cost $3,300 total.  You can donate to my trip online through this link: http://donate.northlandchurch.net/abi-mills  

Russia is a spiritual wasteland.  Please pray that we will boldly and joyfully bear the good news of the Gospel to Russia’s “least of these.”  I am praying every morning during my drive to work for this trip and the children we will meet – it’d be wonderful if you would commit to do the same!  

Sveta

   
    Transitioning from one camp to the next is rough.  You have to rip your heart from the kids you just built relationships with and learned to love, and struggle to start all over with a new group of kids.  So when I left my beloved 16-18yr olds in Kharkov, it was hard to focus on the 25 desperate 9-14yr olds sitting before me on the first day of camp in the Carpathians.

     It was cold outside and the wind was blowing, but the sun was shining, so Dasha (our Ukrainian group leader) lead Damaris, me, and our 25 energetic kids into a gazebo behind the sanatorium.  Just when all the kids finally settled down, Dasha realized she needed something for the lesson and sprinted off to get it, leaving Damaris and me with 25 Ukrainian/Russian speaking littles.  Now what?
     "Uhh, Как тебя зовут?" I asked, pointing to the first kid in the circle.  The little boy giggled at my horrible Russian, then told me his name.

     In very broken Russian, I started asking each kid his or her name, age, and favorite color.  About midway through the circle, a young girl with blonde hair and blue eyes answered, "Sveta, 13, blue," in perfect English.  
     "Wow, very impressive!" I exclaimed in shock.  Sveta blushed, but started speaking English every chance she got and rarely left my side from that moment on.

     Later, Sveta told me she visited the U.S. for 5 weeks through a sponsorship program.  She stayed with one family in Boston for two weeks, but didn't like it because the mother hit her.  She loved the family she stayed with in Pittsburgh, however, calling the family members "Mama," "Dad," and "sister" as she pointed to their faces in her photo book.  She showed me pictures of her first cheeseburger, her first parade, her first time in a swimming pool.  At the end of the photo album was a blurry picture of a little fair-skinned girl with light brown hair.  
     "She was Masha, my best friend," Sveta explained.  "Three years ago an old man came to our orphanage and told Masha she was beautiful.  She said he was crazy.  He took her and four girls and one boy."  Sveta hasn't seen Masha since.
     I prayed with Sveta many times during the 4 days we were at camp.  She loved being prayed for and told me she loved Jesus.  I honestly don't know if she meant it or if she just wanted to please me, but I'm praying for the best.
     
     The last day of camp, Sveta came up to me before breakfast, "You leave tomorrow?"
     I wished I could say no.
     She didn't say anything or cry, she just held on to my arm for the rest of the day.  
     She held it together until the evening program.  Sitting next to me on a bench close to the "stage," Sveta cried and held me through the whole program.  
     Then we had to say goodbye.  She was sobbing, so I took her away from the crowd and sat with her on the staircase.  What could I possibly say to this little broken-hearted girl?  What good did loving her do if I was just going to abandon her like everyone else in her life?
     "I'll never speak English again.  I'll never speak English again!" she choked out between sobs.

     I can't write the rest in scene.  I really just can't.  But we held each other and both cried a while.  Then I held her face in my hands and told her all the truth I knew.  Yes, I was leaving, but God wasn't.  He loves her more than I and brought the two of us together so I could love her too.  He would never abandon her.  He is enough.  He promises to rescue the oppressed, bring justice to the poor, protect the needy.  I am in Him, and if she is in Him, we will meet again and never separate, not for eternity.  His is the Comforter.  He will defend her.  I asked her to keep practicing English, to remember me.  I would never, never forget her.
     And then we left.

     Please pray for Sveta.  That she would take comfort in the God of comfort, that she would be safe, that her future would not be Masha's, that she would find joy and freedom in Christ.

Of course I'm flexible.... it's Ukraine!

     So if you read my first post before going to Ukraine this summer (http://restoreukraine.blogspot.com/2012/07/here-we-go.html), you may be asking, "what happened to Yulia?" 

     Well, I never saw her.  We didn't go to Vovkavinci, again.  Please keep praying for her.

     

     So where DID we go for camp 2?  It's quite the story...

     I walked downstairs from our team's common room at Kharkov.  It was midway through the camp and I could tell- two flights of stairs and I was out of breath.

     It's going to be a long day if I'm already this exhausted.

     At the bottom of the stairs, I nearly ran into Jenya, who just returned from a grocery run with his hands full of of bags and a grin on his face.  

     "Hey girl!"

     "Jenya!"  

     I tried not to sound as relieved as I felt.  Camp needed Jenya's relentless energy and everyone's spirits dropped when Jenya left.

     "I got sausage."  He lifted one of the bags to show me as he passed by, but before he was three steps up, he stopped and turned to face me.

     "And we can't go to Vovkavinci.  There aren't enough kids.  The director cancelled camp today."

     What!?

     He reached down and ruffled my head.

     "Iz okay.  Just pray.  God will show us another camp."  And with a wink He continued up the stairs.

     We had four days to find another camp.

     Sure enough, we did.  It was a new location for HFO and Jenya had never been there before.  When anyone asked why Jenya chose an unknown orphanage on the other side of the country (seriously. here's a rough map of our trip from camp 1, to Kyiv, to camp 2), 

he simply responded, "when we get there, we will know."  

     God had laid this place on Jenya's heart, and though none of us knew why, we knew God had a plan.

     And did He ever.

Convicted

When we returned to Kyiv from Kharkov, 6 of us had a few days to rejuvenate before the second team arrived for camp 2.  Matt suggested we read through a book of the Bible and discuss it together, so we met in the guys’ apartment and had a Ukrainian feast- bread, sausage, cheese, cherry juice, and a loaf of ice cream (yes, ice cream comes in loaves in Ukraine). 

Ephesians seemed appropriate (ironically, I’d been in Ephesians since coming to Ukraine), and we took turns reading passages aloud.  I read Ephesians 4.  Nothing new, right?  I’ve read Ephesians so many times! 

...I was slammed.  As in mid-sentence slammed with conviction to the point I couldn’t read anymore and just sat there mouth gaping. 

Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds.  They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart.  They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity.  But that is not the way you learned Christ!—  assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.

I am angry and bitter.  I believed God is not good.  I am darkened in my understanding and alienated from God because of my ignorance and hardness of heart.  I’m hurt, angry, and bitter, because I believed God failed me and others who have suffered.  He didn’t rescue me in certain moments or answer certain prayers, and He let certain horrible things happen in my life and in others’ lives.  All this was pent up inside me and instead of responding to those circumstances in faith and trust in the character and promises of the God I knew, I viewed those circumstances as God abandoning me.  I let my darkened understanding harden into bitterness and make me calloused. 

But I was wrong.  God is not unjust.  I am.  Ignorance and hardness defined me, not lack of understanding and abandonment.  My response was wrong, not God’s action.  I was the perpetrator of my own suffering, not the victim.

            I haven’t changed instantly.  I’m still praying God completely renews me in true righteousness and holiness, but the process has begun.  Hallelujah.